That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize