I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
