we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize