Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize