Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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