I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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