One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
