I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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