I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
