Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
