I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
