She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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