im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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