I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
