he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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