I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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