I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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