Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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