turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize