I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
