a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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