He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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