This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
