Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
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