I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
