Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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