And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
