I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
