so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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