The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
