someone threw a dead crab at me
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize