someone get that fucking seahorse.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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