Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
