Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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