whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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