My nipple is on Facebook.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
