everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
