Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
