This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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