Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
