Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
