Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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