just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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