God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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