ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
