I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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