Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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