'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
