hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
