Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
