I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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