My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
