Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
