I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
