New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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