i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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