I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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