At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
this just has baby written all over it
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
