I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My cat gives me a boner
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
