the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
