break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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