can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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